Smita – A broken mirror

Chapter -10

Smita wanted to scream at the top of her voice but she knew that she couldn’t in a restaurant. So she suppressed her voice and asked Saurabh angrily,

“How could you tell Shipra, your wife, details about our love making? What kind of a crazy man woman relationship is this that you two share ? And what kind of a bizarre marriage is this ?”

“It didn’t happen the way you think it did.”

“She knew how many days or times we met and did it.”

“That’s utter nonsense. She must have made it up. I only told her that we met once.”

“ And we did it that day ?”

Saurabh was silent.

“Did you also tell her for how long we did it ? What positions ?” Smita asks, her words dripping with sarcasm .

“But …she always asks me about my love life. I find it crude and obnoxious that a wife is asking her husband whether he has bedded someone or not.”

“ I don’t know Saurabh how many married couples live the way you do, but I have never met a couple like the two of you. I don’t want to meet you anymore. I feel.. as if I am a slut.” Tears fill up her eyes. “ Whatever happens between two people in an intimate relationship is sacred. But you have made me feel very cheap and almost whorish. My life was dull and suffocating, but it was at least a respectful life. Whatever happened in my marriage, even if was kind of a rape perpetrated by my husband, it was within our four walls. When I stepped out in to the sun I knew that no one knew about my personal life. But now…( she wipes her tears delicately with her fingers) I feel as if Shipra and her bunch of friends are mocking me. Because in their talks they must have discussed each and every detail of our love making. Imagining my nude body.”

“Smita you are getting too carried away by Shipra’s talk. She will never tell her friends about you and me. And I did not tell her any details about our love making.”

“Good luck to both of you. You both can live your lives the way you want to. I don’t want to be a part of it. Nor do I want to be known as your girlfriend, and certainly not your mistress.”

“But who is asking you to ?”

“ Your wife asked me to. She said that between her and me we should manage you and not allow a third woman to come in to your life. Can you even think how that must have made me feel ? I mean.. dammit ..i fell in love with you because there was no love in my marriage. And this is the price I have had to pay for loving a man.”

“ You want to break up ?”

“ Yes. I feel filthy within. I guess I don’t belong to the world you guys live in. I am a simple hearted person and you people are from a different world, living in a so called ‘open marriage’.” Smita again wiped her eyes with a tissue softly. “I agree I am lost in life. My life does not have a specific direction.But I surely know the path I don’t want to take. The path that leads to your home and to your wife. I am done meeting her.. and you. Have fun Saurabh. It was all wrong to begin with. How did I forget that we are both married ? And on separate journeys in life. You remember the first time I had come to your house for a party, there was a guruji at your house.”

“ Yes. He had said that we are souls on a physical journey in this world.”

“ Looks like the journey of your soul and mine is poles apart. We are headed in different directions. We shall not meet. That’s why we are parting now and going our separate ways. I want that guruji’s number Saurabh, as a last favour from you or your wife.”

“ I think Shipra has his number. She keeps consulting him. I will get the number from her and send it to you.”

“ Thanks. I have been hurting for long Saurabh. I think I should meet Guruji. I need to heal myself.”

“ Can I call you sometimes?”

“ Better not. I want to be on my own. I need to accept the fact that I will lead a loveless life. And you wont miss me Saurabh, because you have too many options when it comes to women.”

“ Don’t say that. You don’t know how much you mean to me.”

“ Its not the same. I needed your love. You needed to have a good time with me.”

“ What if I told you that I will leave Shipra?”

“ I will say that you are trying to lead me on. I don’t think I will like to believe you now and raise my hopes. Because I know that soon I will come crashing down like a wave on the rocks of a shore. Scattered in to a million parts.”

Saurabh remained silent.

Smita continued, “I would say that you and Shipra complement each other. In fact the two of you are made for each other.”

“ Sometimes I feel that you are relieved that things turned out the way they did.” said Saurabh with a sardonic smile.

Smita looked at him with a frown. “ And why do you feel that ?”

“ Because now you don’t have to gather the courage to tell your husband that you are in an extra marital relationship and you want to part with him. That was always keeping you on an edge. Isn’t it ?”

Smita looks at him silently. Then says,

“ What are you ? A mind reader ?”

“ Isn’t everyone?. Especially those like us who are in a intimate relationships? ”

“ Let me put my cards on the table. I did not want to hurt Abhijeet. But I would have. I am a very selfish woman, I found out after meeting you. I can hurt anyone for the sake of having love in my life. For being with the love of my life.”

Saurabh looks deep in to her eyes. They look so weak and vulnerable. Thirsting for love. “ Vow. You were really born to love.”

“ I am. But do you know what was making it difficult for me to tell Abhijeet that I wanted to break up our marriage ? Your personality. It is very difficult to trust you Saurabh ! Especially after seeing you through the eyes of your wife, it is impossible to believe that you can ever be a one woman man. So even if I broke up my marriage what was going to be my security? You are very capable of casually straying and walking away with another woman.”

“ Isn’t it convenient to blame everything on me or Shipra? I guess you will realise a lot about your own self as life goes on. You may break up with me, but don’t think that this is going to be the end of your philandering.”

Anger jumps in to Smita’s eyes at being called a philanderer, but she remains silent.

“ You will again fall in love. You will also make love to another man. That man may be single and faithful, but you will still not leave your husband. You will think of a reason to blame the man, so that you dont have to break your marriage.You a classical example of a bad relationship syndrome. You are unhappy and unloved in your marriage. I have never doubted that, but Abhijeet is your security. You find it safe to live with him. There is so little that you need to invest emotionally in your relationship with him that you can sleepwalk through your marriage. With me or any other man,with whom you are madly in love, life becomes dangerous. Edge of the cliff kind of life. Because…greater the emotional investment, greater can be the loss if the man fucks up, cheats on you or leaves you. And you have become so used to leading a safe life that you cannot live dangerously anymore. You will only flirt with danger in a relationship. That gives you a high. But you cannot live dangerously on a day to day basis.”

Saurabh falls silent. Smita reflects on his words. She looks away, wondering on what Saurabh has said. ‘Is he right? Am I like this ? Are many women who are caught up in bad relationships not capable of breaking up, because they feel strangely secure with someone they don’t truly love ? What an ironical strange thought. That you choose to live with less love because it’s a secure way of living. May be it is true. But anyway in my case there are other reasons too. Its his wife. His warped marriage. His way of thinking and living. I need to walk away.’ Aloud she said,

“May be you are right. I have never doubted your intelligence or wisdom. Its only your moral values which I doubt and don’t agree with. But they may be completely acceptable to someone else, like Shipra. Not to me. So I will like to walk away from all this Saurabh. I wish you a happy life.”

She suddenly got up and started walking towards the exit of the restaurant, lest she get caught up in a web of emotions and loose her will power to part with him. Saurabh smiled as she exited the restaurant and shook his head. ‘What was he thinking ?’ he asked himself. ‘That she would soon come back?’

Or was he thinking that he had miserably failed to make her helplessly fall in love with himself ? Make her his slave? Did he know about his own feelings as much he thought he did? Was he going to move on in life ….or had the love bug bitten him too ? Man thinks that he can bear a lot of pain, but the woman outdoes him in this department, he thought. They were born with greater will power and capacity to absorb pain. Strangely enough sitting on the same table where Smita was sharing space with him a few moments earlier, he felt alone and thought that he was already missing her. After his teens when he had met Shipra in college and fallen in love, he had never ever fallen for any girl, though he had bedded many. But Smita was different. Her eyes were mesmerising, he thought. Her typically indian in her features, long dark hair, dusky skin and depth of personality attracted him. She was the kind he had never met in a long long time. Her need for love made her all the more endearing. He had tamed many a lionesses, but falling in love with someone deer like, was a new experience for him. In a dead society of Shipra’s and his, Smita was a live soul. Almost goddess like. Even though she had betrayed her husband, he found her pure and untouched by a corrupt society. But then how could a goddess of love tolerate an ordinary, unloving and a lustful man like him, in her life ? And for how long ? Oh God he was not only missing her but he wanted protect her with a hug at the moment. But protect her from whom ? Himself ? Or his wife Shipra ? Shipra had completely spoilt his game of love. She had made sure that Smita gets out of their lives. He thought that for the first time Shipra had acted like a bloody wife.

**********************

Arnav had got his admission in Sanawar. He would be shifting to the boarding school in a month’s time. Smita spent Arnav’s last month in delhi, bonding with him. It felt like everyone was moving away from her life. First Saurabh and now Arnav. She showered all her repressed love on Arnav. In fact she was kind even to her husband Abhijeet. She usually felt a lot of resentment against him. But that was replaced with compassion. Abhijeet was made in a certain way, she thought. He could not help it. He was incapable of showing or feeling any real emotion, except arrogance and dominance. Smita felt so broken from within that she forgave him for everything. She could not bear the weight of resenting someone anymore.

Saurabh sent Shipra’s guruji’s mobile number to her by whats app. But Smita did not feel like moving out of her own orbit and visiting someone who was orbiting Shipra’s world. She certainly needed help for her depression and sad state of mind, but she thought that she would go to him only after Abhijeet and she had gone and dropped Arnav in Sanawar. Yes, she had decided to accompany father and son this time. She did not want to be left alone in the city anymore. And the thought of a hill station with some forest around felt comforting. She had always believed in her heart that nature was a big healer, but she had never gone to nature for healing. This time she was waiting to be in the arms of mother nature. Soak her love, even if meant getting drenched in the unpredictable rains of the mountains.

She did not know that the moment she would be in the forest and feel the cold wind against her face, she would start speaking to Saurabh in her mind. As if she was going to meet him once back in delhi and tell him everything about how she felt in the mountains.

Walking alone in the forest she had a distinct feeling that she was carrying Saurabh with her. Pregnant with his thoughts and memories. ( Abhijeet and Arnav were busy with the school admissions and books etc. She was exploring the surroundings alone.) There was a compulsive need in her during these treks to think how Saurabh would have felt and what he would have said if he was with her on the timber trail. She in fact started seeing nature through his eyes. Imagining how he would have felt at this moment.

There is bound to be something akin to telepathy in this universe. Because today when Smita was walking all alone in the cold, rubbing her hands and her nose, Saurabh sent her a message. He wrote that he was missing her. Obviously he did not know that she was enjoying nature in the hills and missing him tremendously. But a message from him after so many days hit her very hard. She felt like crying thinking that perhaps they were connected on their soul level. Otherwise how come he did not send a message, apart from guruji’s number, in delhi? Never wrote that he missed her all these days, but now. She clicked a picture of The surrounding beauty and sent it to him. He wrote back, “Oh you are not in delhi ?” She sent more pictures back to him. He wrote “ I love nature. But would love to see how are you looking in its midst.” She thought, then took a selfie with the valley behind her and sent it to him. He sent a number of kissing smileys back. It felt like Smita had suddenly seen an oasis in the desert. And the very sight of water had quenched her thirst. He asked when are you coming back to delhi ? She thought, then wrote back ‘Tomorrow’. He filled up her whatsapp with more kisses. Insisting that she meet him immediately after she is back. He wrote how much he had missed her and attached smileys of tears with the message. Smita held the phone close to her heart and shut her eyes. She was lost for a while. Then she opened her eyes and wrote ‘Ok then. Tomorrow.’ He got so excited that he started sending her flowers through whatsapp. She smiled. Then looked around at the floating clouds and told them in her heart that, ‘ I am going to miss you. But what can I do ? You made me miss him. So I have to go to him. But I promise to come back someday with him. Isn’t that what you have been trying to tell me mother nature ? Ever since I came here ?’

But mother nature and existence are always silent. You are supposed to hear the unsaid. Which she was in no mood to listen.

Smita told her husband that she wanted to return to delhi the next day. Abhijeet seemed quite cool with that. He told her that he will drop her to the railway station. And follow her in a couple of days.

Smita could not sleep that night. She was waiting for the sun to rise. But it was cloudy so the sun did not rise, but the chirping of the birds indicated that it was morning. So she left, thinking i will be back in delhi in a few hours. And then….

{ i write on love, sex and spirituality. To buy my latest books go to :

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